


Conflict

by animegoil



Category: Legal Drug
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-26
Updated: 2010-07-26
Packaged: 2017-10-10 19:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animegoil/pseuds/animegoil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kazahaya asks Rikuou to take down his shields. Rikuou refuses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conflict

Rikuou was finally drifting off to sleep when he felt Kazahaya stir and turn around in his arms so that he was facing him. In the dim light coming from the window in his room, the only things visible were the large shining orbs of Kazahaya's eyes, and Rikuou frowned sleepily and squeezed the smaller boy's arm questioningly.

"Rikuou…" Kazahaya began tentatively.

"Mm?"

Kazahaya shifted closer, stroking the dark-haired boy's shoulder thoughtfully and glancing up at him momentarily before focusing on the dip of Rikuou's collarbone.

"You always put up your shields when you're with me."

Rikuou didn't see where this was going. Of course he put up his shields, did he really want Kazahaya seeing his violent memories every time he wanted to kiss him or hug him? Then there was the fact that Kazahaya's visions often made him pass out, and much as Kazahaya covered it up well, they left him dizzy and disoriented afterwards, and Rikuou doubted it was healthy for him. There was no way he was going to cause Kazahaya any more pain with his visions.

"Yes. Your point?"

Kazahaya sighed and turned his head to stare fixedly at the dark ceiling, "I don't want you to."

Rikuou reached his hand out to grab the blonde boy's chin and turn it towards him firmly, "There's a lot in my past I don't want to put you through. It's out of the question, I'm not putting my shields down."

"But—" the pained look in Kazahaya's eyes surprised Rikuou. He hadn't thought it was that big of a deal to him, but there was real pain and regret in his eyes. Something akin to loneliness, and rejection…

Rikuou decided to fix that and leaned over to kiss Kazahaya softly, trying to counteract the firmness in his voice with the tenderness of his lips. He did love Kazahaya, and would do anything for him… unless it was something that would hurt him. Kazahaya reacted instinctively, beginning to tilt his head to deepen the kiss, but then suddenly stopped. He pulled back, breaking the kiss and leaving Rikuou to blink confusedly before a frown settled over his face.

"No," the blonde tightened his grip on Rikuou's shirt, trying to cover the guilt in his eyes with determination for what he wanted to say, "…Rikuou… when you shield your memories, you also shield your feelings and you're completely closed off. You're not just guarding your memories from me, you're blocking all of you from me…"

He paused and closed his eyes tiredly, burying his head in the warm folds of Rikuou's shirt, and the dark-haired boy automatically began stroking Kazahaya's back.

"I want to know _all_ of you. I don't care what happens to me, it won't be that bad… I want to feel all of you, not just… physically. The rare times your shields are down, I can actually _feel_ your love… but I can't right now," Kazahaya whispered, and Rikuou realized how badly he really wanted it, how hard he was trying to convince him, "Please…"

Rikuou paused and said quietly, "You're so naïve… like a teenager, thinking love conquers all, and that as long as you love someone you can withstand any pain that brings you…"

"Doesn't it?"

"… No. Not always," and he spoke from experience. After all, his love for Tsukiko hadn't helped him find her. Years had passed, and what his love done, other than wear him out in his search for her and finally fade into Kazahaya? It hadn't found her in time to save her, that's for sure.

"But in this case, it does. It's not gonna kill me if I see some of your past," Kazahaya insisted, looking intently at the dark-haired boy. Rikuou had a different opinion, but he decided to stay quiet. Kazahaya finally sighed and rearranged himself into a more comfortable position, and Rikuo was glad that he'd given it up, though he was surprised at the ease with which he had.

"And what do you mean I'm like a teenager? I _am_ one, and so are you," he suddenly said.

Rikuou shrugged, accidentally making Kazahaya's hand slip off his arm, "I haven't thought of myself as a teenager for a long time…" he smirked softly, not liking the sad look Kazahaya was giving him at his statement, "They remind me too much of little kids. Guess I should think of you as a teenager then, hm?"

There was no pout, or half-annoyed glare, or even the raising of an eyebrow, only that sympathetic, sad look, and Rikuou glared lightly.

"It's no big deal. I've never acted like a kid, much less after Tsukiko. It's not like I miss it, so you don't have to give me that look," so that whole statement was a lie. He actually was flattered that Kazahaya cared, much as it made him uneasy to have sympathy thrown his way, and he did kind of miss being a kid.

Kazahaya remained quiet, and Rikuo had the distinct impression that he saw right through his lies, but he only looked away and then Rikuou felt small fingers intertwining with his own. Moments later, Kazahaya had shifted so that Rikuou felt his arms around his neck, leaning to rest his head against his chest. Rikuou sighed softly and rested his head on the blonde boy's head, letting the chamomile scent that wafted from his hair relax him. Every night, Kazahaya slept with his arms around Rikuou's neck.

"Rikuou… I want to feel your emotions..." he should have known better than to think Kazahaya would have given up so easily on something that clearly meant a lot to him.

"There's nothing I can do about that," he muttered against the head underneath him.

"Yes, there is," the frustrated voice came from below him, but it had only been a matter of time, and Rikuou had been expecting it, "You can take your shields down."

"I'm not doing that."

"Why not?" The arms and head underneath him were abruptly removed, along with the warmth that had radiated from it. Kazahaya hoisted himself up on one elbow, glaring at Rikuou in a mix of exasperation and anger, contradicting the pleading and sadness in his voice.

"I don't want to hurt you," Rikuou said quietly, wishing Kazahaya would drop the subject, and that it wouldn't turn into an argument. Wishing it wasn't that complicated.

"You're hurting me right now!"

Rikuou flinched slightly, the guilt stabbing him instantaneously and he had to look away to keep his expression neutral, but the pain in his eyes must have been clear, for Kazahaya bit his lip and reached out to touch his face gingerly.

"…I'm sorry… I know you just want to protect me… but I can take care of myself too," he whispered. _No, you can't_, Rikuou wanted to say, but he knew that was just his over-protectiveness. No way in hell was he going to be responsible for hurting his Kazahaya… never… though apparently, he'd already done so…

He felt Kazahaya stroking his hand, and he realized how tightly he'd been clenching it and reluctantly opened it.

"Please?"

There was a long silence, and Rikuou actually debated it, his previous resolution faltering. Then…

"…I'm sorry…"

He would protect Kazahaya no matter how much it hurt them.

Kazahaya didn't respond, and though he inched closer to Rikuou, gripping his shirt tightly, he didn't place his arms around Rikuou's neck again.


End file.
